Journal of Gwen Sawyer

Gwendolyn Sawyer aka Celerity

September 13th – ??? We’re in space

We’re flying out to meet the skrulls head on. I left a note for Michael. He won’t be happy but II’ll make it up to him when I get back. I’ve got other things on my mind right now.

First there’s my time-lord absentee boyfriend. On a bright side I’ll be able to talk to him soon. Maybe Sami is right. He was raised very differently. If I just talk to him we can work this out. I miss him. Sometimes I get jealous seeing the way Ken supports Syd. I wish Aaron was around to do the same.

Speaking of Syd. Something is way off with her. I haven’t figured out what it is yet but I’ve shaken a few coconuts loose at least. She’s stressed out to say the least. I think the pressure is getting to her but she doesn’t want to admit it. I just need to be there for her.

Everything will work itself out in the end. You just gotta stay positive.

Except about Simon. Fuck Simon.

September 11th – Early in the AM

Something seems a little off with Sydney or maybe its just stress. I still don’t feel comfortable about having shackled that Skrull princess. We left SHIELD partially to avoid having to participate in that kind of behavior. Maybe Syd was just riled up from the fight with Scott. That guy pushed all our buttons. But hey. New pet. squish

He certainly set up quite a game. Now, i’m more confused as ever about the House of M. Just because this latest escapade couldn’t be laid at their foot doesn’t mean they’re fluffy bunnies I need to remember that. We have an alliance with them for now and I meant what I said about pushing for them to get their own country. We’ll hold to our word. Hopefully they will as well.

I need to find out what happened to Manuel.

We got a new base. A gift from Syd’s dad. Now we can really get back on line. Michael is all over the branding. He’s worked up a logo for us.

Aaron is MIA again. I got the “k, thanks, bye” text along with a random phrase. My anger at his disappearances is turning into indifference. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to him about my new x-gene… I’ve a change to my name and costume. Hope Syd likes it.

The deck is stacked against us with the x-men being locked in the dark force dimension. We really could have used them as back-up. I don’t know that we have time to rescue them before these invaders make their move. We’ve been gathering our earth allies, maybe our alien friends can make some calls of their own.

September 9th – Midnight

I may have stuck my foot in it but I got myself out of it, again, like I always do. I don’t see why everyone is so concerned and negative. I especially don’t want to hear anything from Aaron. How could he not warn me?! He’s my boyfriend. It should be boyfriend first, time lord second. God.

Speaking of God. I kinda was God today. I actually manipulated my chemistry and DNA enough to give me the x-gene. I’m not totally sure what this means for my powers but they’ll resurface. Just gotta fake it till i make it. I’ve held onto the rest of Ken’s blood sample. If Michael was serious about wanting powers, I could probably manufacture something. It would actually be safer than the serum I made for myself since it would involve awakening something that occurs naturally in our evolutionary chain. Theoretically, once the gene wakes up, it will do its bit and nature will take its course.

I look around at the mutants at this rally and I wonder if I would ever really belong with them. I wasn’t born to it the way they were and of course have never been discriminated against. Would I even call myself a mutant? Either way, I hope my powers present themselves soon and without the use of someone hitting me with a gravity bat and knocking me into a coma. I don’t like walking around without an sort of offense or defense. At least the team is here.

Its funny, since I reversed the serum, I’ve been having some of Gavin’s memories surface. Its almost like back when I would up my serotonin levels but genuine. It actually kind of make sad. I can’t remember the last time I honestly had fun…

Syd is also more subdued. I know she’s leader now but I kinda miss the way she was…

Gavin Time Log 1

Okay, I may have come on a bit strong but that Ken guy just would not get out of my face. From Gwen’s memories it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. I was thinking male-Sydney. Fun, impulsive, good sense of humor. All impulse no sense of humor or fun… This group seriously needs the fun knocked back into it. Between Ken’s snarling and Aaron’s moroseness. Its all well in good to save the world but whats the point if you’re seemingly miserable. These guys need a shake up and I’m just the one to help them.

GAVIN’s PSYCH PROFILE

The Alter known as “Gavin” serves two main functions: protector and pleasure seeker. Both of the roles are linked to Gwen’s childhood – mainly based on taking on adult roles too quickly. Gavin has a protective instinct like an older brother but problem solving is underdeveloped. When trying to address his or Gwen’s problems, his rationality would not exceed that of a just pubescent boy. He displays child-like enthusiasm towards pleasurable activities, given his mental and physical maturity this also extends to sex. He has enough mental development to know the difference between right and wrong if not long term consequences. Gavin has access to Gwen’s past and occurring memories. However, while Gavin is present, Gwen is not and will not recall that time period. Oppositely, Gavin’s presence is subconscious while Gwen is present. He will remember what transpired while Gwen was active and depending on the stimuli she encounters may choose to assert himself to fulfill his role(s).

September 7th, 2015 – 6:00AM

We’ve thankfully found some help; a mutant with a good memory and some Asgardian Ice Wolf. The wolf might be a problem. We’re in the city. A skyscraper size demi goddess is a little destructive. We’ll see.

In any event, when it comes to pursuing Magneto we will need a powerful team…

(LATER)

I can’t believe he’s back. We’ve been sitting here watching a movie but I can’t help but turn and double check he’s still there every few minutes. Having him here just makes me even more cognoscente of how much I missed him. If I thought I loved him before, its nothing compared to now. The joy I felt at seeing him was like a powerful shaft of sunlight on my skin after years of night. So many emotions and at once – joy, surprise, arousal, and even a little bit of sadness.

Whatever pain and sickness I felt at taking the serum was well worth it. I was so grateful to have Michael and Syd there. I’m not sure how well I would have held it together otherwise.

He’s holding something back from me. I’ll dig it out of him in time. Its annoying. I’m actually annoyed. If I could just look into his mind…

The Year

November
With Madame Oct defeated, we’ve had down time. Time to breathe. I’ve actually been able re-focus on school—go to cheerleading, track, and some of the other clubs. These things used to matter; now they barely hold my attention. I think about how I used to stress about my participation and performance and now it just seems petty. Now I notice other things, especially at the meets; my peers with their parents there to cheer them on. My parents never even realized I took a hiatus. The only way they’d notice if I quit is the shortening of my college application. I spend half my time waiting for another emergency, another villain to pop up and the other half waiting for Aaron to show up out of the blue. I’ve been disappointed on both counts. The staleness of my self-imposed peppiness grates even on me, sometimes. They say too much of a good thing… I keep upping the ante on the serotonin but some other emotion is clawing its way past. Maybe the others are right. It’s better to be in control. I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself. But I can fix that.

December
Still no intel from Manuel about Magneto. Christmas is around the corner. That little boy should be home with his family. Having Michael around to always made the holidays for me. I can’t imagine if something happened to him. Sydney isn’t any happier about it than me. We’re both annoyed at Xavier and SHIELD’s inaction. SHIELD would never sanction us making a move against that psychopath but I have a feeling a split may be coming. Syd thinks we should start our own team, independent of SHIELD. Al doesn’t agree, but he’s all about Tabitha and the baby (as he should be) and doesn’t really bother to argue. I’d miss the stick in the mud if we did leave.
Still no Aaron…

January
Another day in Otto’s lab, working on the serum. (No call from Xavier’s excuse making furball. Just as well. I don’t like cowards). That zing I felt when I was around Otto is still gone, but I’m starting to realize why part of it may have cropped up. He treats me the way I wish my father would; respecting my intellect, guiding me towards answers, but patient. We’ve been targeting the parts of the serum that deal reuptake. Hopefully it will have the desired effects, but Otto says we’re still probably months away. I quit my extracurricular. There doesn’t seem to be an adjustment of my levels that can cure indifference.
With a shortage of villains and the lack of after school activities (other than the serum), I’ve been messing around with Aaron’s suit.

February
Work on the serum has been slow and frustrating. Any excitement really comes from working with the suit. Jarvis has been a major help. It was hard at first, listening to the computer, made me miss Aaron more. I started to feel angry…
I was reticent at first to use the suit. I’m alright with computers but biology, organic matter has always been what called to me, but this suit… Its capabilities and challenge have rekindled my interest. At the very least this new interest in tech has given me something to relate Ken. He’s been great resource for some information and a friend. Plus he and Syd are so cute together! I love it.
He’s the one who really encouraged me to make the suit my own. I’ll always think of the suit as Aaron’s but doesn’t mean I can’t add my own touch.
Jarvis give me wings.
Jarvis: Madam you do realize it would be far more practical to simple use the repulsor beams for flight rather than morphing the suit into actual wings.
My own anti-joke chicken, ladies and gentlemen.

March
Have been trying to reach out to Manuel. Total radio silence. What if he’s dead? The creep was starting to grow on me.
SATS coming up. I might as well take them early. I will kick ass.
Studying. New hobby. Me and Syd have been helping Michael with the new comic. He does fine with the artsy side but likes to have someone double check the writing.
First comic slated to release around the same time we announce our new team. Syd does love to ride the PR.

April
Possible breakthrough with the serum. We’re getting there. Just need to isolate that correct enzyme… Otto is optimistic. Though he still keeps asking me if I’m sure I want to do this rather than just reversing the formula. The answer, as ever, is no.

Spring Break!

May
Syd has gone to Japan. I’m in charge along with Ken for the time being. Got to test out the suit in combat. Some newbies robbing a bank. There’s been such a surge of activity. We need more back up.

I’ve taken over administrative duties for our new group. Updating some of our database and keeping files straight and reports together. It’s boring but god knows Syd’s not gonna do it.

June
I miss Sydney and Al. With just Ken for company, I’ve been spending more and more time in the lab. I need distraction.
Where is Aaron? Is he alive? If time is so irreverent to a time lord why hasn’t he returned? That message in a bottle cube came 7 months ago…

July
What are we going to do tonight?
Same thing we do every night, Pinky
Try and take over my neurotransmitters.
I need to get out of the lab more…
My Buffy the Vampire slayer references are totally wasted on Otto.

August
Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tabitha had her baby and he/shes beautiful. Poor Al during the birth. I thought he was gonna bust a vein or maybe a hole in the atmosphere.

It will be a relief for Syd to get back. Theres been such a surge of new villains and its just me and Ken. So tired…

October 1st – morning

Aaron is…I’m not even sure. Safe. Studying. Please, not dead. He can’t be dead. Not after all we went through to get him to Gallifrey. Just have to have faith. He’ll he through it and come back to me. I have to believe that. Just because DM didn’t make it doesn’t mean Aaron won’t… Just breathe….

Where the fuck is Syd?

September 31st – Late night

it is done. Dormamu is defeated, but the fight is not over. And DM is gone… I think he knew. WIth how strangely he was acting the last few days. He must have known. He could be an obnoxious twerp but I still miss him. In the past, he kept everyone’s spirits up. A lot of us seem to have lost that hitch in step. Especially Brimstone. Its sad to see.

I was so angry at that tribunal. I know it was necessary but maybe we could have saved DM or at least have time to grieve. They made the right decision, Al is not evil. I can only image how his choice weighed on him. Choosing Owen was the right decision but not easy. I’m glad he has Tabatha.

I keep my smile painted on but I’m still worried about Aaron. Sometimes I feel like the little engine that could. I think I can, I think I can… I will. I have a path. I just need to follow it and not lose hope. Any feelings I thought I had for Otto pale in comparison.

I will need to talk with Aaron and the others about the serum, but it will have to wait. The group comes first.

September 29th – Early AM

DM has been gone for a while and whatever happened to him has sure done a number. It makes me sad to see. He just handed over the vampire for execution. No trial. No chance to change. Just death. I did the same on the beach. I wanted to reason with them but one of them just went for my throat in a blood craze. We didn’t have much of a choice but the guilt fed on me until I turned it off.

If I go through with this new formula, that may not be an option anymore.

It would be only fair to tell my teammates and Aaron but I’m not comfortable with it yet. And this is certainly not the time. Syd is worrying about her dragon, Al has to contend with Owen, and DM is losing faith. I won’t place another burden on this team.

Asgard… This will be quite an adventure.

September 27th – Late night

[Blonde’s “Heart of Glass” playing in the background]

Holding hands. It seems innocent enough but when pair that with teenage hormones and stolen glimpses of a guy’s lips; it can get messy. I kept on having to adjust my adrenaline levels to keep my palms from sweating. How gross would that have been?

Flirting with Aaron is a lot harder than flirting with Otto. I’m not sure why. Maybe because most things goes over his head and I wind up having to explain —its hard to be mysterious when the guy is just plain confused. Or maybe it means that I my feelings for him aren’t as real as I’d like to think? Ugh! I just don’t know.

It makes this new formula all that more important. I have the old one copied down for reference. Theres only going to be one hard copy and unless its really necessary, it won’t leave the headquarters. This could be so dangerous in the wrong hands… I just have to hope I’m strong enough to protect the copy in my head.

Manuel was the one who pulled it to the surface. I hope SHIELD’s trust in him is well placed. The guy still gives me the creeps. I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust him completely. Though he doesn’t give completely bad advice. I talked to Michael.

My sweet brother. When I told him about the additional side effect of my formula, I expected judgement and recrimination. Instead he just hugged me. He really is so different from our parents and even me. He wants me to tell them but I don’t think its a good idea. One it would place them in more danger. But its also nice to have something that’s just mine. That their judgements and scoring haven’t become attached to. This is the one area in my life where I feel no accountability to them. Its freeing.

I kind of wonder what he’d have to say about my love dilemma. I at least got some good advice from Tabatha, Sid, and the Princess. Its disconcerting to be feeling so much and part of me fears it but another part is exhilarated. Its better than any adrenaline rush I could give myself.

The Princess is our newest member. I can’t say I’m surprised that Meg is gone. While she was a blast to hang out with, her ideals definitely differed from the teams. Though it is a little hinky that she trusted this alien chick. Makes me kinda wonder if the girl hit with some alien magic mumbo jumbo. She seems like a nice sort but given the position we’re in now, I’m inclined to take a trust but verify approach. I’ve done my research for Meg’s missing strings. It may be time to turn at least a cautionary eye to this newcomer.

September 26th – Early Morning

Why would he ask me what color I’m wearing to the dance? I was very careful with the language i used when I invited him. I say he could come with us. Its not like I asked him out. But would it be the worst thing in the world if it was a date? What the fuck am I saying? I love Otto…I think. I’ll admit I felt a zing after being inside his mind. I just don’t know what it was. Is it real? I can’t tell and I need to know.

I’ll need to respond to the text. Do I play it cool and just answer like its nothing or do I dig? Shit. And I definitely can’t talk to Sami about this one. He’d probably tell Aaron and boy would that be humiliating if it was just an innocent question from future boy who doesn’t know better.

One complication at a time…

At least Michael took the news okay. He was surprised. I haven’t exactly been the lay it all on the line to save people girl in the past. If me and Aaron had messed up that mind play that would have been the end of my future. In that moment I was thinking about the impending future and how if I didn’t help, if I wasn’t brave, it would have doomed so many.

I feel hopeful for the future. Carolyn is imprisoned. Aaron will give us technology to spot the future Doc Oct and we’ve got a social media/marketing genius to help us with our image. We’ve already started reaching out to other supers. We can win this.

Tonight we party.

September 24th – Early Morning

I can’t believe they think I’m the future Doc Oct. Of all the members on this team, my hands are one of the most clean. Did I open up a black hole and kill an entire planet of people? No. Did I fry hydra agents and toss their bodies down a flight of stairs? No. And yet they have the nerve to accuse me!? Unbelievable.

(few minutes later)
One plus side to controlling your brain chemicals. You can decide not to be angry. Its such a suffocating, sickly feeling. Its a relief to turn it off.

We infiltrated the lab at Northside and rescued the test subjects. This new whip packs a real wallop.

Sydney has also packed a whole new set of punches. The state of her dragon is changing. It was strange to see her scared. There was a part of me that wanted to comfort her but I was afraid of cozying up to her emotions. I didn’t want to release my hold or risk a slip on my own.

Otto never did text me back….

Part 2

It was a nice change of pace to just do normal stuff. Well, as normal as baking enough cookies to feed a green rage monster can be.

Love is in the air and I can’t help but soak it up. Al + Tabatha, me and Otto, and though she won’t admit it Syd + Kenny.

It was interesting to watch Tabatha work on Al. Gave me a few ideas. And DM is surprisingly good at making romantic scenarios. Maybe I should point him in Syd and Kenny’s direction…

I asked Syd for advice about Otto but I think she’s as lost as I am. I need advice. I just need to think of someone else to ask…

September 22nd, 2013 – Night

He did it…or at least he did something. Mark and Dr. Connor’s formula. I know Sid thinks we should have gone easier on him. I don’t judge him for potentially having a power he can’t control. Most of us have been there, but the things Hydra can do with the formula. The death toll would be in the millions. Turns out I have more reason to doubt him. According to Tony, his parents are hydra agents. When it comes to Mark, I buy pathological liar over victim any day. At least Al agrees with me.

I don’t want to doubt Otto. When Al named the all powerful villain in the future, I was sure it was a mistake. A woman. Maybe one of his old associates. I’ll ask him about past students. Maybe get us a lead once we neutralize the scientists at Northside.

I’ve been tinkering with the whip. I was intrigued that Otto could call it to him. I’ve just about got it right…

I’m not sure how much I trust this future Stark. At best he’s proving to be dead weight. I’d rather have Sid’s brother as our back up.

September 20th, 2013 – Mid day

I definitely got more than I bargained for with this internship. Day 1 the place gets invaded by Hyrdra and I’m on my way to help me friends now that we’re out of lockdown.

I keep thinking about that moment when Otto blocked the bullets coming at me with his harness. Its been a long time since someone protected me and that I felt protected. Even though I’m still a minor, I’ve been out of my parent’s protection for a while.

Dr. Octavius is…unbelievable. Smart. and kinda sexy. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I can fake it with the best of them. That’s what I did when I had to get close to Bo Dallas, but I felt it like I shock when I started talking to Otto. I’ve been stubbornly holding my levels, unwilling to let go of this oxytocin bubble. What’s more I’m afraid to let the levels go. Afraid that the feeling will go away and I won’t be able to recreate it. Or even that if I do recreate it, it won’t be real…

At the very least I’ll always have this memento. The octopus arm that he gave me. My new whip.

September 19th, 2013 – Early morning

We have the eye. The King pin is foiled for the moment. Its a shame not all ends could be so neatly tied at the end of the night. We all still have questions about the justness of SHIELD. I can only imagine how heavily Owen must weigh on Al’s mind. Though he did have an interesting distraction this past evening. I wonder if that will get into his report.

Considering SHIELD’s power and influence and willingness to work outside the law, I’m surprised they haven’t quietly taken out Mr. Fisk…

I could probably drive myself insane trying to reason out SHIELD.

Fisk, Silvio…these are people who I and my family have known socially. It makes me ancy.

I did have another good development come out of this night—a potentially promising internship. Dr. Otto is a genius.

September 17th, 2013 – Late night/early morning

I’m not sure if I like it or not- these “phanton emotions.” That’s what I’ve started calling them in my head. They’re like a ghost that takes a hold of me. Something that I thought was dead and comes back to haunt me. Although it can be nice to just feel without effort, I worry about losing control. I also wonder how real they are. Am I just picking up radio signals from other people or are they really mine?

If I can be in someone’s mind and mimic their power, does it mean I’m doing the same with their emotions? Then they wouldn’t be genuine.

I’d been wondering for a while if I could do that. Mimic a mutant’s powers. It was right there for me to ready—what made them different and I certainly have a talent for making myself different. The outside stays the same but the inside is mine to play with. I wonder who I really am. I mimic familiar patterns to try and stay as close as I once was and maybe be even a little better (smarter, faster, Gwen v. 2.0).

My parents don’t notice. The only one who has ever been close enough to notice is all the way across the country. I wonder if that should make me sad or relieved?

Control is paramount right now. My worlds about to collide. High society and SHIELD shenanigans.

September 15th, 2013 – 6:00AM

The other team is just…gone (with the exception of The Huntress). Seeing that body, it was like stepping out of the world of heroes and back into reality. I never thought any of us would or even could really die. It doesn’t seem to have shaken the others so much. I felt fear…and it was lonely and gripping. Even after spending the night playing with my own levels, it took a while to shake. We were able to defeat the bull and return the hellicarrier to Fury but at such a cost. What will the cost be next time?

September 13th, 2013 – Night

Fury wasn’t quite as upset as I thought he’d be. Frankly, I was waiting for a full court marshall. Our “punishment” was a dangerous training exercise. We were supposed to basically be a wrecking ball swinging through a Hydra facility. Now that I think about it was a strange or jerky mission, but at the time my head was still in the events of past week. At the very least it brought to the forefront the problems of our team. We’re a bunch of loose canons that SHIELD has been pointing around willy nilly. We need to be more aware and police ourselves.

DM was right about some things. Although I felt cut out of the conversation between him and Al. He wouldn’t acknowledge the statements or suggestions I was making. Al at least seemed to hear me. And as much as I understand his upset, threatening Brimstone did not help.

We were able to come together after we’d calmed down. I think some of the others spoke to their mentors. I choose the comfort of the lab.

Apparently the team that drinks together stays together.

September 11th, 2013 – 11:00PM

I think something happened when I adjusted my levels as a gesture of sympathy for Brimstone. I started feeling other things…emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time. Mostly anger. I’d forgotten the suffocating sensation of frustration and vile aimed at another person. Most of it was directed at Bo (some at DM for the stunt he pulled). I will definitely be having words with him for that. Either way it was unsettling. I may think twice about doing it again. I need to be in control and I wasn’t in control in that hotel room. But there was also relief. I felt something that was genuine…even if it wasn’t mine.

Fury will be well furious. We disobeyed orders. Hopefully he’ll just give us a slap on the wrist. I hate to think that I’ve jeapoardized my recommendation letter. Although, I did learn from DM that SHIELD may be imprisioning and torturing others our age with abilities. If that is the case, they can shove their letter.

Even though I told myself I wouldn’t call on my mentor, I wound up doing just that. But DM was in a lot of pain and needed the healing. I’m still getting the hang of learning to heal but watching Manuel may have given me a new tip… The man is creepy but he does have his uses.

September 9, 2013 – 10:30PM

A recommendation letter from Captain America… I seriously doubt any other applicant will have that in their file. We’ll have the grades, the AP classes, the sports and other student activities but if anyone else has that kind of letter… Yup, I’ve gotta be in.

Of course the letter comes with a new responsibility. Me and three other students are now SHIELD agents. I know all of them from one activity or another. I’m most familiar with Brimstone. We’ve both been on track and field since Freshmen year. She’s kind of a friend. I don’t really do close friends though. I just don’t have the time.

We’re an eclectic group for sure. Brimstone and DM are hard on Singularity’s case. I can’t really blame them though. The guy is such a stick in the mud. If he would just loosen up… I can’t say I’m keen on taking orders from him, but so long as they’re things I do anyway, then it won’t be a problem. The civilians and saving lives comes first.

Besides the letter, there is also the lab. It is sick. It makes the school lab look like a kid’s play set.

We’ve got mentors. Mine is a former member of the Brotherhood of Mutants. I don’t trust the guy and frankly he gives me the creeps. I don’t know what SHIELD was thinking assigning him. I doubt I’ll reach out to him much. I’ve figured everything out on my own so far and for the most part, its worked fine.

I don’t really agree with SHIELD just handing us grades but if we’re going to be responding to a crisis at all hours of the day, we may not have much choice.

We took out our first real bad guy but I wouldn’t call us a team. We’re too splintered.

Journal of Gwen Sawyer

Thunderbolts 2.0 danigirltuesday